Black Grief, White Guilt, Grey Insanity
by Night's Flower
Summary: Rukia 13 days after she killed Kaien"Let it be known that she was found after a failed suicide attempt, screaming.  Her zanpaktou had refused to kill its wielder and had shattered itself before piercing flesh" Slightly Insane Rukia,Byakuya also seen.


**A/N: **This is a one-shot unless I suddenly type more (which I doubt). I have NO idea where the hell this came from. I was just thinking of Bleach and bam, this wrote itself. I'll be the first to admit that I hate stories where Rukia is a crying heap, because she's a very strong character (personality wise at least). But like I said this wrote itself. In the parts where it's from her POV she's (in my story at least) in the 4 division hospital under medication (if there's no such thing that would fit this story then I made it up, it's fanfiction work with me here) that would put her out of her right of mind. Along with her grief and guilt, and harassment plus the medication, she's pretty out of it. In my story,, besides Kain she had no one who cared about her at that point in her life. (Byakuya was being cold, Renji kept his distance who else did she have? She has no rank so she doesn't interact with her captain at all, plus he's always sick) I think maybe that's why she question what she was doing there in the court guard. I mean what purpose did she live for? Without Renji she had no one, until Kaien came along. She killed him, she's distraught and alone, the edge was too close. (another authors not at the bottom) I didn't know what to rate this but since it mentions suicide i decided on T.

_Taicho=captain_

_Fukutaicho=vice captain_

_Haori=the thingys captains wear_

_Kenseikan=those noodle things Byakuya wears in his hair (XD)_

**WARNING:** the parts from Rukia's POV are really (probably) confusing because she's not sane at the moment.

P.S. The person she's talking to is mostly Isane Kotetsu (AKA Lieutenant of 4th division)

_**Enjoy and review!

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I'm staring at the ceiling.

It's not white.

She was a very good actress. So what, if they found her screaming at her sword? So what if she seems to be in hysterics. Traumatized? What could possibly traumatize her? She wasn't crazy; she would prove it to them. No don't give me that medicine it makes me sleep. Why do I need to sleep anyways?

* * *

Rukia Kuchiki, of thirteenth division, killed her superior officer, lieutenant of thirteenth division Kaien Shiba, 13 days ago.

This information has been kept highly confidential save for the captains and lieutenants.

Rumors circulated, Kuchiki was harassed more than usual. Kaien was no longer there to protect her.

She was blamed by others (even though they didn't know the truth)

"What kind of subordinate are you! You should have sacrificed your life for that of Shiba fukutaicho! _Coward!_"

She was blamed by herself more.

Let it be known that she was found (by her taicho) after a failed suicide attempt, screaming.

Her zanpaktou had refused to kill its wielder and had shattered itself before piercing flesh.

All of the above has been kept off record.

* * *

I'm tied down to this comfortable bed. No, I'm not being sarcastic it really is comfy. Stop looking at me like that, I'm being serious. Did you know that before I was adopted I've never had a bed? No, don't feel sorry for me, I don't really care. What I do care about is that my own zanpaktou is ignoring me, quite well I might add.

Was it too much to ask to kill me? Actually she (my zanpaktou) wouldn't have really needed to kill me, she could have just cut me open..i would have died from blood loss without her help, thank you very much. I didn't want to do it at Nii-sama's house, the Kuchiki mansion is always so clean, my unworthy blood shouldn't stain it. Plus, that's just more work for the servants, they never liked me anyways.

What's with that face? Oh, am I laughing? Let me tell you the joke, maybe you'll stop giving me those worried looks. The second I thought about it, killing myself, my own sword froze (I mean literally froze. I have an ice/snow type you know) my hand then shattered its own blade into a 130 little pieces. I know, I counted them while they fell.

Am I feeling alright, you ask. Let me take a moment to think about it…No, yes, maybe. Depends on what you mean, care to explain Kotetsu-fukutaicho? You're sister is in my squad you know..Ah you mean mentally. Well then I'm going to have to say no. I'm not even sure what's coming out of my mouth, I'm just thinking and you're responding even though I'm sure I didn't say it out loud. Now that I think about it I doubt any shinigami is "okay" mentally. I mean, we hear voices in our heads! How funny is that? ..You've got that look on your face again, let me explain. The voices are our zanpaktous, if you really think about it, we're fairly crazy. Am I crazier than usual then?

Probably, "I killed him you know." And I'm whispering now because I see Ukitake taicho is in the room and I don't want him to know, he might get mad. For some reason I can't see his white hair clearly, and I stop trying because I figure I don't deserve to look at him clearly. Maybe he should kill me? Since I obviously can't do it myself. I say this out loud and he looks horrified, or "is that disgust taicho?" I'm sorry, how stupid of me, you don't want to get your hands dirty with me, I'm a lowly unranked murderer and you're a captain! Yes, very stupid indeed you should just get someone else to do it.

" I tried to do it myself" I tell you offhandedly "But my zanpaktou isn't cooperating" I finish that sentence with a shameful "I'm sorry" but now you and the vice-captain are looking at me with that face. I don't know what that face means, are you mad? I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I don't think you hear me, you still have the same look, or maybe no time has passed? Does time change for murderers? I should ask someone from division 12, they would know.

And now I can hear Kotetsu fukutaicho telling you that she thinks, and hopes I'm pretty sure I heard that word in there somewhere, that it's the medicine that's making me like this, along with the shock. I assure you it's not. I would tell you but I do not wish to appear rude. I hear him reply "I'll send a hell butterfly to Byakuya" and this causes me to choke on air, not enough to kill me unfortunately. I then plead with the two of you not to tell Byakuya Kuchiki, "He shouldn't know! This kind of thing is unworthy for his noble ears." Yes I called him by his full name, I don't think he likes me as his sister anyways, and I've never thought myself good enough for nobility so we can agree on that at least.

That's another interesting fact, that I fill the silence of the room with, "I didn't have a family name before" I inform the vice captain, because Ukitake taicho left the room when Kyouraku taicho came to get him. I don't know why, I'm sure she's bored with my ranting. And I tell her of my suspicions; she only looks at me with sad eyes.

"I can't seem to stop my tongue" I say it out loud but I only meant it to myself. Her shoulders relax for a second and you start saying something that starts off with "for you to realize that, you must be regaining some sense" but I don't really know what you mean. I'm still thinking about stopping my mouth, about the color of my captain's hair, speaking of my mouth it lets out a laugh. "I can't stop my tongue! Just like I couldn't stop my sword! I shouldn't really blame my sword though; it was me that killed him, sorry Sode no Shirayuki" I apologize to open air.

"But I really couldn't stop my sword from breaking so I guess that sentence still makes sense" I shrug (the movement restricted because of the restraints on my wrists) because I have no idea what "makes sense" anymore. I tell her that she still looks sad and I ask her if it's because she knew him. She just keeps staring, and I assume that she's ignoring me too. Then a hell butterfly lands on you, and you say the thing that I was almost certain could have made my heart stop (too bad it didn't) "Kuchiki taicho is on his way" and I can feel my mouth drying up.

Except the blood, because as many times as you have told me not to I'm still biting myself. My senses sharpen through what I'm sure is the drugs in my system. I can hear steps outside of the door and I renew my efforts to make myself bleed to death through my mouth. I don't want to be seen by him, he will probably walk away saying "Disappointing, what was expected."

Next thing I know Byakuya is there, my Nii-sama. I hope for the bed to swallow me, the restraints to strangle me, for the evasive death to claim me. It doesn't. I can't see his white kenseikan without straining my eyes, and I stop trying because I probably look undignified. And I dare to look at his face from my bed only to find his grey eyes staring at a wall. Good, no one should look at me unless they plan to run me through with a blade.

I make sure to keep biting my tongue so I will not betray anything. Kotetsu fukutaicho leaves the room and I just now notice that along with my adoptive brother Unohana taicho has also entered the room. I just now notice that their white captain uniforms look off color to me. I can hear her through a fog that is my concentration (because it takes a lot of concentration to try to lose enough blood through your mouth)

"You are aware of the events that took place 13 days ago" and he nods so you continue "Physiological stress, it is a break down, to be put simply" I can tell that you are annoyed, or maybe angry but you don't show that do you brother? I only know because I have heard it in your voice directed at me before. You bite out "Why do you feel the need to simplify things?" and I can see Unohana shoot you a sympathetic glance. "Post traumatic stress disorder, suicidal, survivor's guilt, depression, I gathered reports of her being harassed about the incident… her mind was simply unable to handle it."

I think you were about to say something else but I can't hold my tongue for some reason, I don't really care. "You speak as if I'm not here" I'm not looking at either of you, just staring at the ceiling. "It's grey." When Unohana taicho gently places a hand on my restrained arm, and tells me that it's white I feel the need to tell her that after wielding a sword like mine, there is no such thing as white.

But I don't bother, and you continue the sentence I had cut off. "She's also continuing to harm herself. For example" and I feel the hand move up, near my head, and suddenly she is whipping blood away from my mouth with a cloth. "She continues to bite her tongue" But I hear ringing in my ears as I stare at the cloth that's newly covered in my red blood. That's the blood that should have been spilt 13 nights ago. Not his.

I continue to gnaw at my own mouth until a sharp "Stop it, Rukia." And it's that cold commanding tone you would give a stray mutt. I needn't turn my head to see who said it, and Nii-sama is already striding out the door, all I can see is the insignia for 6 division on his off-color haori. His steel grey eyes never slipped over my pitiful form and for that I'm grateful.

I turn back to the ceiling.

It's still grey.

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**A/N: ** I used the number 13 on purpose (13 days, 13th division, **13**0 pieces) because I felt like playing up the superstition of 13 being an unlucky number. I have no idea where I was going with the color thing…well that's a lie I kinda had a half-idea. Her sword is the most beautiful (supposedly) and it's a pure white, indicating a pure soul (play along). She doesn't see white anymore because she feels guilty. The grey can be taken 3 ways. 1) it's just a color that she see's instead of white. Or 2) the grey of Byakuya's eyes. 3) she's crazy

Personally i like option #2

Whichever one works for you.


End file.
